Things have been crazy to say the least in our household. MIL is finally gone. We took her to sister’s house yesterday. She is starting radiation and hubby is worried. I don’t blame him. I know he is worried.
On an entirely different note, we got a BFP this weekend. Only, it was not to be. Chemical pregnancy. How horrible that sounds. How horrible all of it is. I hate it. I hate my body. My first BFP in over a year and it ends before it begins. I was pregnant for maybe a full 24 hours. Why? Why did this happen again? I am devastated, hopes, dreams, everything is lost.
My RE called today to discuss next steps. I dunno how things are going to go from here. I am not sure where we stand. We will be moving onto injectables. Ugh, just the thought hurts. 7 to 12 days of shots followed by u/s and labs every few days. More needles. Only to end in the crushing BFN. Yep, that is right, I have lost all hope. I am sure it will come, it’s a bitch like that. Right now, though, I am all tapped out. I am beyond tired, emotionally spent. I literally look like someone who has gone a couple of rounds with Tyson. It’s not pretty. Not at all.
Hubby, God bless him, is ever the positive thinker. I dunno how I got him sometimes. I can’t think like him, to much of a realist. Or is it that I am just jaded and cynical person? Who knows. I don’t. I know that I am tired and the though of moving on to injectables just weighs me down. Is 2014 over yet? I swear this year has been fraught with more shit than I can keep up with. I am over it. Over all of it. Done. If you need me, I will hiding from the world in my blanket fort, coloring. Trying to recapture some semblance of innocence that was ripped cruelly away. Maybe one day I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. Maybe she will come back. Maybe.