Well, Hell….(loss mentioned)

Things have been crazy to say the least in our household. MIL is finally gone. We took her to sister’s house yesterday. She is starting radiation and hubby is worried. I don’t blame him. I know he is worried.

On an entirely different note, we got a BFP this weekend. Only, it was not to be. Chemical pregnancy. How horrible that sounds. How horrible all of it is. I hate it. I hate my body. My first BFP in over a year and it ends before it begins. I was pregnant for maybe a full 24 hours. Why? Why did this happen again? I am devastated, hopes, dreams, everything is lost.

My RE called today to discuss next steps. I dunno how things are going to go from here. I am not sure where we stand. We will be moving onto injectables. Ugh, just the thought hurts. 7 to 12 days of shots followed by u/s and labs every few days. More needles. Only to end in the crushing BFN. Yep, that is right, I have lost all hope. I am sure it will come, it’s a bitch like that. Right now, though, I am all tapped out. I am beyond tired, emotionally spent. I literally look like someone who has gone a couple of rounds with Tyson. It’s not pretty. Not at all.

Hubby, God bless him, is ever the positive thinker. I dunno how I got him sometimes. I can’t think like him, to much of a realist. Or is it that I am just jaded and cynical person? Who knows. I don’t. I know that I am tired and the though of moving on to injectables just weighs me down. Is 2014 over yet? I swear this year has been fraught with more shit than I can keep up with. I am over it. Over all of it. Done. If you need me, I will hiding from the world in my blanket fort, coloring. Trying to recapture some semblance of innocence that was ripped cruelly away. Maybe one day I will recognize the person I see in the mirror. Maybe she will come back. Maybe.