CYG Day 10

Today’s CYG is all about Support. The support I received or didn’t receive, etc. I have been thinking about this off and on all day. I am deciding on focusing on something slightly different. I want to talk about some things I have learned being over a year out from our loss. I can kind of see it through frosted glasses, it still hurts like a bitch, but I can look.

Here are some things not to say when someone tells you of their loss:

1. DO NOT ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO! I repeat, DO NOT ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO! I had no idea how to answer this question when asked after our loss. I can assure you that no one else does either. Loss parents are not thinking about what you can do for them, they are still processing the improbable news that the life they had is gone. Instead, just do something! Bring them dinner, come over and clean their house. The best thing that happened to me after our loss, was my friend came over after work and brought me ice cream. We said maybe to two words to each other, but she was there, with ice cream. I will never forget that.

2. PLATITUDES DO NOT HELP!! I abhor platitudes, they make me irrationally angry on a good day. After my loss, I was murderous to anyone offering me platitudes. They do not bring comfort, they bring hurt. Phrases like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “This was God’s plan” do not inspire comfort in a loss parent. For me, they inspired my need to punch people in the face. If it wasn’t for hubby, I would have prolly gone to jail for assault on multiple occasions. As it was, I went off on my pastor when he told me it was probably God’s plan. It was not His plan for my baby to die, anyone who would dare suggest that does not know the God I know.

3. Saying things like, “at least you weren’t very far along,” or “you didn’t know your baby” are THE WORST THINGS TO SAY!! That mom loved that baby the SECOND she found out she was pregnant. She already started planning for the life she was nurturing, envisioning how beautiful her child would be. These phrases, while seemingly harmless in our thoughts, are the equivalent to insults to the parents. You, are in essence, telling those parents that their baby was insignificant, their CHILD was insignificant. I do not abide by this and I have had someone say both of these to me.

4. Please, do not under any circumstances say you know what they are experiencing unless you have been there. I cannot express this enough. Pregnancy loss is hard enough to vocalize, don’t trivialize it by assuming you know what a loss mom is going through b/c you lost your dog or your friend went through it. Hubby’s cousin told me last year at Christmas that she knew exactly what I was going through b/c her best friend had went through it. I do not doubt that she knew some of the pain, but no, she does not know what I went through. Hubby was livid that she made me cry. That is all that does for you when you say that. You make a loss mom cry b/c she does not know how to take those comments. Are you being serious or calling her grief insignificant?

Things to say or do:

1. I am sorry. That is it, nothing else. No other words are needed. If they named their baby, use their name. Loss parents long to talk about their children, no matter when they lost them. You remind them that they are important and what they went through was real. Most do not because of the stigma associated with pregnancy loss.

2. Help them remember their child. The best thing my family has done for me is they light a candle on October 15th. They mark it on their calendars and light one in remembrance of our baby. That means more to me than any words ever could.

This turned into a book of sorts, sorry for that. Obviously, I am quite passionate about this.

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Sigh….

I think that is all I have energy for is sighing. MIL’s surgery was yesterday and we spent 12 hours in the hospital waiting for her. Her surgery was delayed by 4 hours, so it was just a long day. She came through it well and is expected to be in the hospital 2 to 3 days.

On another note, Hubby’s family has taken over my house with more arriving today. It is hard having guests under normal circumstances, under these, it’s flat out difficult. Now, I am not saying they horrible people, they aren’t. I just miss my house, my space. I miss being able to walk around without a bra!!! Selfish, I know, but I am not above it.

Moving on to CYG: Day 9 In Memory.

Today is all about in memory of our children. Did we do something remember him/her? I had a friend of mine help me with creating a tattoo. I do not have it yet, but every time I need a reminder, I look at the pic and it reminds me. The pic is not the greatest, but I know what it means to me. That is all that matters in my mind.

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Sorry about the pic, it sucks. I want a hummingbird “kissing” a forget-me-not. I only want one flower in the tat to represent my one loss. I can add to it if I need to. I am hopeful I do not ever have to. That is my in memory, I am hoping to go this month to get it. Maybe I will have a better pic to show then!

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 Heart

It’s October. This month is a busy month. There are a lot of awareness things happening this month. The big one everyone knows is breast cancer, but did you know it’s also Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance month? This encompasses all losses from miscarriage to stillborn to infant loss. Carly Marie does a project every October to capture your grief. She is amazing and does a lot of loss awareness campaigns to break the silence.

I am participating this year as I am in a better head space. Last year was to hard, we weren’t even a month from our loss when October hit. I couldn’t concentrate on bringing any kind of awareness as I was trying to remember what it was like to live. No one thinks about that, how loss affects us. It is soul shattering. My heart will always remember my Angel. I will always know when my loss date is, I will always know my EDD. Those dates will never leave and they will mark me every year. I will mourn a life that never got to be. I will mourn a baby I never saw. I will mourn what could be, what was, and what should have been. I will always mourn that. Always.

Here is today’s photo:

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That is Hubby’s hands making the heart. The grief, our loss, it’s as much his as it is mine. Our heart represents our one and only Angel. We have never conceived again. It hard not to think that I would have my baby by now. It is hard not to think about how different we would both be if our Angel was here.

I will be posting a new photo as I see fit to participate. Some of these are hard, I will not lie. Some draw up to many memories, to many triggers. I encourage you to participate if you want. I encourage you to help break the silence.