It hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach yesterday. This year would have been our first baby’s first Christmas. I have no idea where the thought came from. I was driving home from work singing Christmas songs when WHAM! Outta nowhere it hit me. I think I forgot to breathe for a moment. I had such plans for him! I wanted to watch his face as he looked the Christmas tree. I wanted to keep a sharp eye on him and keep him away from presents. I wanted to do my dramatic reading of Twas the Night Before Christmas. I wanted to do all those things. Instead, every day, every night, I look at the ornament that is his, and I pray and wish for him. I pray so hard.
Believe it or not, I am doing better since my last post. I am in a better head space. Kind of. I still have moments (like yesterday) and I am still very unsure of our future, but I am ok. I will say that it was hard this past weekend when I was back home. My sister has two beautiful daughters. She was cleaning out their clothes and she asked if I wanted her to save some for me. How do I answer that question? I had nothing for her. I couldn’t answer. It was like I was struck dumb. She didn’t meant it maliciously or anything. She was genuinely asking, hoping. I just….I had nothing. All the way home, I wondered how I should have answered that question.
This time of year is hard. It’s hard to be reminded that I am barren (to use an antiquated term). It’s hard to go anywhere. Yet, it’s exciting to see such hope. It’s exciting to be reminded there is good in the world. I know I have a long way to go before I am truly at peace with this path in my life. I know that finding peace will require a lot of surrender on my part. It will require that I pick up my faith that has been tattered and threadbare for so long. I know this. I will be working on it. I have to. I may not have much in the way of hope, but I can never lose faith. I have been through to much, seen to much, watched to many miracles happen. The worse casualty of all would be if I lost it.
I thought about leaving you with a Bible verse, but I think, instead, I will leave with this.