2WW Part Two: To be or not to be

I have officially hit the crazy! I am 11dpo as of today and I am feeling the pressure. Yes, there is pressure during the 2WW. I think it is compounded when you are on a medicated cycle. You feel like it should work this time because you had “help”. It’s completely beyond logic, yet that is how you feel. I woke up today feeling some major nausea. Of course, part of my brain immediately goes to yay we could pregnant mode. Then Logical Side (i.e. the logical thinking part of my brain) steps in and tells Crazy to slow her role. Crazy proceeds to argue, pointing out the fact that nausea IS a good sign. Logical Side argues that point with anything other than the pregnant title. This is all taking place in a span of a few minutes at 6:30 this morning. In other words, I haven’t had my coffee yet and I have a headache. Wonderful.

This is my crazy. I can’t even begin to point out that letting these thoughts out has me slightly worried. I, mean, what if I get committed for these thoughts? They are really out there sometimes. Is that what we all deal with? Do we really have to go through this time and time again? Why can’t this be exciting again? These are questions I ask every 2WW, especially the last one. I have become jaded about being pregnant. I don’t know any other way to say it. There will never again be that innocent super happy feeling again. I will be forever marred, scarred by my loss. I have all these stats in my head about our chances of another ectopic. It’s about a 10% chance, but as we have discussed, my body hates me. I could be that 10%. See the crazy?

Because of my history, I get to have what I call “stringent” monitoring. I talked about what I go through with the medicated cycles. What I didn’t discuss is the plan for if/when I get pregnant. I have to go in for early betas, which is not bad since I go in for betas every cycle. I have my beta check this cycle on Wednesday. I am nervous. No bones about it, I am nervous and petrified. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I go in for early betas, then keep going in for betas. In other words, my needle phobia is going to get a workout if/when I get pregnant. I also get to have the vag cam (i.e. vaginal u/s) at about 5 weeks. This is to make sure I do not have another ectopic. Another u/s at about 7 weeks to confirm things are moving along and then my RE will decide whether to release me. That is the plan. It’s a lot. It’s overwhelming and I am in the crazy that hopes and prays I get to go through it. Not really logical, but that is where I am.

I am overwhelmed with it all. It happens every time! I find myself hoping, praying, and waiting. I also hear Logical Side telling me to take it down a notch. I can’t afford to get excited or hope. I have to protect my very fragile heart. A heart, that after our loss, is so scarred it’s a miracle it works. A heart, that is held together by tenuous threads. There is no balance at this point in the 2WW. I am either super crazy or very indifferent. I strive so hard to be indifferent. It’s safer. I know, it seems callous, but it is what it is.

Now I wait and try not to hope. Hope is a sneaky thing, though. It comes in when you least expect it. It smacks you upside the head and fills you excitement. It’s hard to shut that down. I am caught between hoping and indifference. There is no balance and usually hope wins despite my efforts to the contrary.