I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the last week. It really hasn’t been pretty. I am an embittered shrew. That is my assessment of things right now. Just a day or two after this last loss, we found out hubby’s cousin (who is like his sister) is pg with her second kid. I am beyond devastated at that. I ugly cried for like forever when she called. I just couldn’t. I told hubby that I had no idea how I was going to do Christmas with them. It was just to much. All of this happened after I had cramps bad enough to have hubby ready to whisk me off to the ER, a precursor to the period from hell. This happened after my nurse at my doc’s office said that my cramps could signify that my endo is coming back. That news was the straw that broke this camel’s back.
I am just lost. Floating along on an endless wave of bitterness and sadness. I have lost myself again and this time I am not sure I can find her. The person I was, she is lost forever. Another piece of my soul is gone. My heart has another scar. I have been entertaining thoughts of just hanging it all up. How much hurt can I endure? How much disappointment? How much pain? How much?
Where is the fighter I used to be? I am ashamed to admit it, but IF has beat me. It has beat me down and made me surrender. Something I thought would never happen. I am just getting started in this journey and I have been beat. How can I hope to go on? I am surrounded on all sides by pregnant everything!! Why can’t it be me? Am I such a bad person that I cannot have a baby? Am I being punished? Does God hate me? These are questions I ask myself all the time. Questions that I have no answer to, that I may never be able to answer. It’s so frustrating. I feel like a shell. IF has put the fighter I once was in cage. She can’t get out. I can hear her banging on the bars and yelling. I can do nothing to help her. I’m stuck. I watch helplessly as she bangs and yells. I just watch, unable to do anything. After all shells can’t really move, can they?