The Cage

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the last week. It really hasn’t been pretty. I am an embittered shrew. That is my assessment of things right now. Just a day or two after this last loss, we found out hubby’s cousin (who is like his sister) is pg with her second kid. I am beyond devastated at that. I ugly cried for like forever when she called. I just couldn’t. I told hubby that I had no idea how I was going to do Christmas with them. It was just to much. All of this happened after I had cramps bad enough to have hubby ready to whisk me off to the ER, a precursor to the period from hell. This happened after my nurse at my doc’s office said that my cramps could signify that my endo is coming back. That news was the straw that broke this camel’s back.

I am just lost. Floating along on an endless wave of bitterness and sadness. I have lost myself again and this time I am not sure I can find her. The person I was, she is lost forever. Another piece of my soul is gone. My heart has another scar. I have been entertaining thoughts of just hanging it all up. How much hurt can I endure? How much disappointment? How much pain? How much?

Where is the fighter I used to be? I am ashamed to admit it, but IF has beat me. It has beat me down and made me surrender. Something I thought would never happen. I am just getting started in this journey and I have been beat. How can I hope to go on? I am surrounded on all sides by pregnant everything!! Why can’t it be me? Am I such a bad person that I cannot have a baby? Am I being punished? Does God hate me? These are questions I ask myself all the time. Questions that I have no answer to, that I may never be able to answer. It’s so frustrating. I feel like a shell. IF has put the fighter I once was in cage. She can’t get out. I can hear her banging on the bars and yelling. I can do nothing to help her. I’m stuck. I watch helplessly as she bangs and yells. I just watch, unable to do anything. After all shells can’t really move, can they?


18 thoughts on “The Cage

  1. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I hate all of this. Hate that you’re struggling, hate that your cramps were awful, hate that you feel like you’ve lost yourself. I’ve been there too and it’s awful. Just know that I am sending you tons of love and hugs and prayers that you’ll start to feel more like yourself soon. Whenever I am having a bad day, I remind myself of this quote: “My track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” You’ll get through this, be kind to yourself. ❤

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  2. My heart broke for you while reading this. Sometimes it feels like we just can’t do this any longer, I totally get that….. I know you can, though! It’s not going to be easy, and frankly it might suck, but you CAN do this. Praying! XOX

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  3. I am so sorry your going through this. It is just so sad and frustrating, and a confusing journey. Why is this happening? Thats also frusterating, to never know the answer to this. I am just starting my journey. I too have PCOS, and have been trying for over 10 years. Its ok to be sad and have your moment. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Your right, unless you have gone through this you have no clue. I’m praying for you tonight. I hope you find comfort in a stranger sending you nothing but positive vibes and thoughts. I’m proud of you for sharing your story, and you should be proud of youself for continually going up “at bat” strike after strike. I wish and pray that you will get your homerun… I’ll be keeping tabs on you!
    ~Another mom to be hopeful.

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  4. I feel like this sometimes, too. I used to think I was so strong, but something about IF just beats you down. And pregnancy news only makes it worse. I’ve had my fair share of that lately, too. I’m sorry you’re hurting. This whole process just sucks. 😦

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  5. It sounds like you need a serious hug. I am sending you a big squeezy hug through the computer screen and on to you. I’m so sorry it’s such a tough road. I’ve been there. Chemical pregnancy, another early miscarriage and 14+ years of ttc before we finally got our happy ending. I asked those same questions through the years. What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I deserve my own babies? Was I being punished? The answer is that you did NOTHING wrong and you are NOT being punished. That’s not how God works. He just has his own plans and timelines for us that sometimes are not our own. You ARE a strong woman and you WILL get through this. I love Fur Momma’s quote about your track record so far being a 100% getting through the tough times. Hang in there.

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  6. Oh, I’m so sorry. Why is it that life decides that you need fifteen bad things to happen to you at once? Take time to feel your feelings – let yourself be pissed and sad, let yourself ugly-cry – it’ll just make it that much easier to steel yourself for next time, and that much better if and when you get fifteen good things happening to you all at once!!

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  7. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not a punishment and you did nothing to deserve any of it. Infertility sucks and it’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. It’s dark and lonely and painful and so unfair. It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. And if you have to miss out on Christmas, than so be it. Put your needs first, you deserve it. Everyone else will understand and if they don’t, they will get over it. I’m here for you if you ever need to vent to somebody! I know we don’t really know each other but there is support and understanding here for you.

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  8. I believe that bitterness is 100% part of the journey. It’s not pretty but, it’s understandable. I have been on a baby shower boycott for over a year and I’m sticking to it.
    We deserve to allow ourselves to be sad, upset and yes, even bitter. If not us, then who?


  9. Jen says:

    I feel as though a few months ago I could have been writing this. I too struggled to find the new “normal” and felt as though the fighter I once was had been defeated. Please know that there are others out here thinking of you. I have used my blog to heal my heart and I hope yours can eventually do that for you. Somedays are so much worse than others but please know someday you will find your happy ending. No matter when or what that is. I have faith that good people find their happy ending eventually. It sadly, is just taking us longer 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ugh. Im a first time visitor from ICLW and this all sounds familiar. IF is so hard. There are days you feel ready to get out and “do” and “try” and “fight” infertility, And there are days that you want to stay home, curl up in a ball, and feel sorry for yourself. Its hard to find joy in the things you once enjoyed and you dont feel like yourself. I wish there was something I could do to help, to take the pain away, to get you to your finish line faster. Try not to be too hard on yourself – the bitterness and darkness are par for the course – and when you have a day that you feel OK, run with it. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I hope that soon you will be on the other side


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