Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is a hard day. Today is a day where I remember my LO lost to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have never forgotten him, it is just pushed to the forefront of my mind today. Today I weep with all the loss moms, I remember everything.
I remember everything about being pregnant. I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of pure, unadulterated joy. I beat the odds! I beat endometriosis and got pregnant!! FU endo!! That was my thought process. Who knew that by my 8th week I would be weeping and bleeding profusely. Who knew that I would end up with a partially ruptured tube? I didn’t. Those thoughts never crossed my mind. When my doc mentioned miscarriage to me, I scoffed. I wasn’t going to be that person, I had already beaten endo, I was invincible!
Now, looking back as we do, I wish I could tell myself to prepare. I wish I could warn my heart about the beating it was about to take. I wish I could tell myself to start learning some coping mechanisms. I wish a lot of things, mostly, I wish for the life that I lost. It’s hard to think that right now I would have a 5 month old. It’s hard to not feel upset by that. It’s a complete mind fuck. I mourn a life I will never know. I mourn the fact that I never got to see my baby. I mourn the person I was. I mourn the loss of innocence, of wonder, of amazement.
Tonight, I light my candle at 7pm in remembrance of my baby. I also light it in remembrance of friends and family who have lost little ones. This day, this month, is hard, but it’s cathartic as well. It reminds us that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to feel.
On a lighter note (?) I did a guest blog post on a friend’s blog on raising infertility awareness. Here is the link.
How to be Infertile 
Sending you huge hugs ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the reminder that it’s OK to feel whatever you feel, and for the sweet memories of your pregnancy. Wishing you all the best this day and this month.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful post. It’s awful that you overcame so much and got to such a high place only to be brought so low. Life is the worst sometimes. But thank you for sharing your story.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Life sucks horribly sometimes. One of my favorite quotes, that I desperately try to live by, is “When life knocks you down; calmly get get up and say, “you hit like a bitch”. I feel like I have say that a lot over the last couple of years.
LikeLike
That quote made me laugh. I love it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I also think miscarriage is a mind fuck. I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago. I had spent nearly a month thinking I had a baby growing inside me when I didn’t.
I don’t know if there is really anything you can do to prepare yourself for something like that. I had a feeling, deep down, that my first pregnancy would result in a loss. People thought I was being silly for worrying when I had already heard the heartbeat. Despite that feeling, I still took that loss extremely hard.
HUGS!
LikeLike