Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is a hard day. Today is a day where I remember my LO lost to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have never forgotten him, it is just pushed to the forefront of my mind today. Today I weep with all the loss moms, I remember everything.
I remember everything about being pregnant. I remember that feeling of accomplishment, of pure, unadulterated joy. I beat the odds! I beat endometriosis and got pregnant!! FU endo!! That was my thought process. Who knew that by my 8th week I would be weeping and bleeding profusely. Who knew that I would end up with a partially ruptured tube? I didn’t. Those thoughts never crossed my mind. When my doc mentioned miscarriage to me, I scoffed. I wasn’t going to be that person, I had already beaten endo, I was invincible!
Now, looking back as we do, I wish I could tell myself to prepare. I wish I could warn my heart about the beating it was about to take. I wish I could tell myself to start learning some coping mechanisms. I wish a lot of things, mostly, I wish for the life that I lost. It’s hard to think that right now I would have a 5 month old. It’s hard to not feel upset by that. It’s a complete mind fuck. I mourn a life I will never know. I mourn the fact that I never got to see my baby. I mourn the person I was. I mourn the loss of innocence, of wonder, of amazement.
Tonight, I light my candle at 7pm in remembrance of my baby. I also light it in remembrance of friends and family who have lost little ones. This day, this month, is hard, but it’s cathartic as well. It reminds us that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to feel.
On a lighter note (?) I did a guest blog post on a friend’s blog on raising infertility awareness. Here is the link.