Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before (The day my life changed)

Day 3 in CYG and it’s all about before. Who was I before I lost my baby? Do I miss that person? Did I like her? Here’s the thing, I am not sure who I was before. I know that I was awfully naive about the whole process. I can say with honesty and I am almost ashamed that I didn’t want children. There, that is my big secret. Now my whole life revolves around TTC. Quite a 180, huh? The person I was before, because there is a difference, was very adamant about how her life was going to work out. I liked that about her. She was determined, full of life, happy. I miss that.

Now, do not freak out, I am not in a depressive state. I am just different. I still love life, I am happy. It’s just different. I can’t think of another way to describe it. In all honesty, I barely remember the person I was before. Is that weird? Is that bad? I dunno. I know that who I was before has helped me survive all of this. That is all it is, survival. I have been trying to think back on who I was before, and I can barely get there. If my life was a road, things would be smooth and then a hairpin turn comes out of nowhere. Obviously, we wrecked. Now, it’s picking up and going forward.

**Update on the 2ww** This cycle was a bust. BFN. Hubby said I needed to reduce my stress. He says he believes that is what is holding us back. REALLY?! Thanks for putting even more blame on me, it’s not enough my body doesn’t work. Let’s add the fact that my life is crazy stressful on top of it. I bit my tongue, it was safer that way for him. If I unleashed what I really thought about that, I am afraid he would be thoroughly emasculated and our marriage would be in shambles. Certainly, we would not be sharing a bed after that. Now, I get to wait on AF and decide if we are doing another cycle or not. I am thinking not. Hubby’s mother was just diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She is having her mastectomy on the 8th. I am not sure I can do a medicated cycle with a house full of people. Ugh, decisions…..


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